


In Recovery

by fanfic814



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anal Sex, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Best Friends, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel, Bromance to Romance, Caretaker Dean, Collars, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cuddly Castiel, Cuddly Dean, Depression, Epic Bromance, Feeding Kink, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Leashes, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Oral Sex, Platonic Cuddling, Schmoop, Sex, Spanking, Subdrop, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:48:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic814/pseuds/fanfic814
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel doesn't always have the best taste in Doms. He's left alone in his apartment after an intense scene and spirals quickly into a severe sub-drop.  His roommate Dean comes home from work and has to dive into the deep end of the BDSM pool to keep his friend from drowning.</p><p>(Inspired by an anonymous SPN Kink Community prompt, September '15.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

  
_I shouldn't be driving right now,_  Cas thought. _I should pull over and call Dean, and wait for him to pick me up._  
  
Dean was at work, but he'd be done in two hours.    
  
_I could park at the mall and sit at the food court and wait.  That's what I should do._   

But the thought of being around people right now with his red nose and tear-streaked face and the random bouts of sobbing didn't seem like a good option either.  All he wanted was to be alone, and home in his own bed with the covers pulled up over his head, so he kept driving.   
  
_This cannot be happening again.  I am so fucking stupid. Why do I do this to myself?  Why am I even into this whole BDSM thing, anyway?  What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I feel the need to have someone hurt and humiliate me?_

Cas reached for a fast food napkin in the center console and wiped his eyes again.  He took a deep breath, trying to shut his brain up and focus on the road.  Just a few more miles to go and he could go to his bedroom and crash in private. 

_I need to stop meeting people online. Everyone lies online._ That wasn't entirely true.  Cas had had a few decent meetings with Doms he met online, but this was the second horrible experience and the horrible ones tended to far overshadow the good. 

Cas pulled his car into the driveway and turned the engine off.  He pressed his head to the steering wheel and took a deep breath, trying to collect himself. _I can do this.  I am not going to spiral out of control. I had a bad break but it's over now and it won't happen again. I'm going to be fine._

But all of that resolve crumbled by the time he reached his bedroom. Cas slipped out of his clothes and into a t-shirt and clean boxers, then climbed under his blankets.  He lay on his side for a long time, clutching his pillow tightly to his chest, until finally he couldn't hold back the torrent of tears any longer. They were pouring from his eyes now as he fought against choking gasps for breath.   _So fucking stupid.  God, I'm so fucking stupid._

Cas heard the key rattle in the front door and a second later the door opened.  He took a deep breath, trying to quiet his sobs.  

"Cas?  You home?"  Dean's voice called.

He really didn't want Dean to see him like this, but he also knew there was no way he could hide it from him all night.  "Yeah.  In my room," Cas called. 

Dean was Cas's roommate and best friend.  They had known each other since freshman year of college, and when Cas had been looking for a place to rent last year, Dean mentioned that the was looking for a roommate. He'd moved in almost immediately, and they'd fallen into an easy, comfortable living arrangement. 

"Can I come in?" Dean asked, knocking on the door. 

Cas sighed and sat up, wiping his eyes as best he could.  "Sure."

"Hey, I was thinking about ordering pizza for dinner, do you... What's wrong?" he asked suddenly. 

"Just... bad day," Cas managed.  

"Cas, this looks like more than a bad day.  What happened?  Oh shit, you were meeting up with that guy today.  Did he hurt you?  Talk to me."  Dean sat down on the bed next to him and put an arm around his shoulder. 

"I... I don't want to talk about it yet.  But I will. I just need a few, okay?" 

"Alright," Dean said softly.  He stood up and walked to the bathroom, and returned with a cold washcloth, some water, and some Tylenol.  "Take these," he insisted.  Cas did.  "Lie down."  Dean folded the cloth and draped it over Cas's eyes, then patted his leg.  

"Well I'm gonna order us a pizza.  What do you want on your half?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Cas, you've gotta eat.  C'mon," Dean urged.

Cas sighed heavily.  "Green peppers, onions, and mushrooms."

"Okay.  I'll call you when it's here.  Otherwise come out when you want to talk, okay?"

Cas nodded. "Thanks, Dean."


	2. Chapter 2

  
"Cas?  C'mon, man.  Pizza's here. Come eat something."   
  
Cas sighed.  His stomach was in knots, but he knew Dean wouldn't leave him alone until he at least attempted to eat. He dragged himself out of bed and into the dining room, keeping his head down to partially hide his face. Almost immediately he was wrapped in a huge bear hug.   
  
"Grab a slice and come watch some Netflix with me," Dean pleaded. Wordlessly, Cas grabbed a paper plate and a slice of pizza and followed Dean into the living room.   
  
"You had anything to drink today?"  Dean asked as they crashed down on the couch.  He uncapped a bottle of water and shoved it in Cas's face.    
  
Cas grabbed it and took a sip. "Probably not enough."   They watched TV and ate their pizza in silence, Cas taking the tiniest bites possible until he finally gave up and set his plate on the coffee table.    
  
"So... you wanna talk about it?" Dean finally asked.   
  
Cas sighed.  "So I've been talking to this guy for months.  Met him on a forum.  And we decided we were gonna meet to... well, play.  We met at a motel and things seemed to be going okay... We were kinda wrapped up in this pretty intense scene.  And I was really into it. I mean, completely out of my head.  Didn't even feel like myself, forgot where I was, the whole nine yards.  And suddenly he... shit, sorry.  I'm trying not to give you too many details.  He um, starts pushing my limits.  Like with stuff that I told him was a deal-breaker. And at one point I flat-out said 'no' and he tried to punish me.  I safeworded and he pushed a little further.  So he finally stops, yells for a few minutes, tells me what a horrible sub I am, calls me a slut and a tease, then he... he just fucking  _left_."  Cas's eyes had welled up with tears again.    
  
"Fuckin' hell, Cas..." Dean mumbled softly.   
  
"And I..."  he sniffed, "I was still so deep into it I had no idea what was going on.  I was so fucking confused. I just... I got in the car and started driving home, and I don't even remember half the drive."  His breathing started to hitch again and he took a big gulp of air. "And I just... I can't come down from a scene that fast to begin with.  But for him to do that..."  The rest of his sentence was garbled as he began sobbing again.   
  
"Cas... hey, hey.  Come here,"  Dean pulled Cas into his shoulder and put an arm around him.  "Shhh... It's alright buddy.  Shhhh.  I'm so sorry that happened to you, Cas.   That guy's an asshole and he has no business doing this."  
  
Cas nodded.  "I suspect he lied about his experience.  Or he's just a fucking sadist.  Really good at getting into my head space though," he hiccuped.   
  
Dean pulled him up a little and wrapped both arms around him.  "I'm so sorry, man," he said softly.   
  
"I'm so stupid, Dean.  Why do I do this?" Cas sobbed.  "Why am I even into this whole thing?"  
  
Dean sighed and pulled away, placing a hand on Cas's arm.  "You're not stupid.  You know I don't totally understand the whole thing, but from what I gather it seems mostly like a give and take of trust and power.  Maybe because outside of this whole thing, you're a really cautious person.  You don't trust easily.  Not to mention, in reality you're  _always_  in control.  Maybe giving up that control is a sort of release for you.  I don't know, I'm just spitballin' here.  But for whatever reason, you need that, Cas.  And there's nothing wrong with it."    
  
Cas leaned over and rested his head on Dean's shoulder.  "I guess so," he sniffled.  "Just... what kind of Dom leaves you hanging with no fucking aftercare?  Fuck!"  
  
"Probably a bad one," Dean said.  "...what's aftercare anyway?" he grimaced.   
  
Cas let out a choked laugh.  "After a scene, most subs need a little time to come down.  The adrenaline and the endorphins are flooding your brain... sometimes you get really into it and it takes time to come back to reality.  Everyone needs something different, but in general you kind of make it a safe, relaxing place, give a little soothing and encouragement, yadda yadda."  
  
Dean nodded thoughtfully.  "What do _you_ need?"  
  
"Me?  Well not for my Dom to tell me I'm awful and call me a slut, that's for sure."  
  
"Aw, Cas..."  
  
"I don't know.  Usually I need to be held.  Preferably while lying down. And to be told that I did good.  And sometimes I just want to be held while I sleep it off. It's so stupid, really...  Doesn't matter what it is sometimes, it's just nice that they make an effort to comfort you, you know?  One guy I was with used to bathe me afterwards. That was kind of nice. Or we'd cuddle and eat chocolate covered strawberries in bed. He was a good Dom..." he sighed.   
  
"What happened to him?"  
  
"Moved to California, unfortunately. I still talk to him sometimes," he sniffed.  "Oh god, Dean, I just hope this wears off.  Last time I dropped it was days before I started to feel better again.  I was physically sick and so depressed.  My head was a mess..."  
  
"Well, we're gonna do everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen again."  Dean flipped the TV off and offered Cas a hand up.  "Come on."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just come on."  Dean grabbed his arm and lead him to his bedroom, where he began removing his jeans.   
  
"Uh, Dean..."  
  
"Shut up, I'm just getting ready for bed," he laughed.  "Lie down."  
  
Cas squinted at him curiously, but he lay down on Dean's bed.  Dean flipped the covers over him and crossed the room to shut off the light.    
  
"Dean?" Cas asked.    
  
"Right here," Dean whispered as he climbed into bed next to him.    
  
Cas couldn't help the little gasp that escaped his lips as he realized what was happening. Dean snuggled up to his back and wrapped an arm around his waist, tightly spooning him.    
  
"Is this okay?" he asked softly.   
  
"Yes," Cas whispered.  "But Dean, you don't have to..."  
  
"I want to. As long as you're okay with it."  Dean nuzzled into the thick of Cas's hair and Cas couldn't help the silent tears that started falling again.  
  
"Not your fault," Dean whispered softly.  "You did good, Cas. He's the one who did badly.  I'm gonna take care of you, okay?"  
  
"Dean..."  
  
"C'mon, Cas.  No arguments.  You saved my ass when I was depressed and thinking about doing something stupid after Benny and I split.  Dude, you came to my house for a 3 a.m. suicide watch.  Let me do this.  Please."  
  
Cas took a shaky deep breath.  "If you're sure..."  
  
"Whatever you need, Cas. I got you, okay?"  
  
"Thank you," Cas whispered.   
  
"Anytime, buddy.  Try to get some sleep."  
  
Cas nodded.    
  
"I got you, Cas."


	3. Chapter 3

Five a.m. and Dean was wide awake.  He'd slept a little, but every so often Cas would moan or thrash himself awake and Dean would stroke his hair or soothe him back to sleep.  He may have been holding it together on the outside, but on the inside he was freaking the  _fuck_  out.  Cas was always his rock, his voice of reason.  He always had his shit together.  To see him falling apart like this was heartbreaking and a little bit scary.

He remembered Cas telling him about the last time he'd dropped.  They weren't living together then, but he recalled him being avoidant and lethargic for almost two weeks.  He hoped this wasn't 'drop', because as Cas described it, it sounded pretty horrible.  Maybe he'd be lucky and it was just a (totally justified) reaction to a traumatic thing that had happened.   He hoped so, for Cas's sake.

He snuggled into him a little tighter and Cas made a contented squeak.  Maybe it should feel weird to snuggle into his best friend like this, but Dean didn't really care.  They'd always been a little touchy-feely. Their friends constantly teased them about their 'bromance', but he never understood why it was such a big no-no for two good friends to touch in a platonic way. So what if they were a little codependent sometimes?   People could just fuck right off with their opinions.

Dean reached for his phone on the nightstand and texted his boss to tell him he wouldn't be coming in today. He was pretty sure Bobby wouldn't mind.  There wasn't much work at the garage currently anyway, so calling off was probably doing Bobby a favor.

He sent his text, then flicked he browser open on his phone and tentatively browsed some BDSM forums.  Dean was pretty sure this wasn't something he could just learn online, but maybe it could at least give him a better idea of what he might be dealing with. After an hour of browsing, his head was swimming and he just felt more confused and helpless than before. Well, he was just going to take care of Cas as best he could and hope it was enough.

Cas had been dozing pretty peacefully for the past hour or so, so Dean decided to get up.  He gently untangled himself and crept to the bathroom to have a shower, but before he had even finished drying off, he heard Cas calling for him. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and ran back into the bedroom.

"Cas?  You okay?" Dean asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I... um, sorry," Cas glanced at him sheepishly. "Nightmare I guess. My yelling woke me up," he chuckled awkwardly.

"Are you telling me you were yelling for me in your sleep?" Dean laughed softly.  "Aren't you just the cutest?"

"Apparently," Cas said, rolling his eyes.  "Sorry.  You can go back to your shower."

"S'okay.  I was done anyway,"  Dean said, walking to his dresser and pulling out a pair of boxers.  He quickly let his towel drop and pulled them on, then reached in another drawer for a t-shirt.  "You should go back to sleep, Cas.  It's only like six in the morning."

"Nah, I think I'm up," Cas said, sitting up and stretching.

"Nooo, you need to rest. At least sleep till 8, sheesh," Dean insisted.

"I'm good."

"God you're stubborn," Dean grumbled just before he launched himself at Cas.  "Lie down, Cas!" he teased, pushing him back down on the bed.  Cas giggled and pushed back against him, trying to wrestle Dean off of him.  "Dean, I'm fine," he laughed.

"I don't care, go back to sleep!" Dean said, muscling him down onto his back.  They both froze in place as Cas whimpered loudly.  They were suddenly nose-to-nose with Dean's leg slotted firmly between Cas's.

"Uhh.  Sorry," Dean mumbled awkwardly, noticing the bulge digging into the top of his thigh.   He hurriedly rolled off of him.

"No, uh.  Sorry," Cas said.  "It's just 'cause... I just woke up and uh... you know."

"Yeah," Dean laughed, "It's fine.  So how are you feeling today?"  he asked, determined to let the awkward moment pass. Hey, morning wood happens.

""Ehh.  I don't know.  I mean, i still feel like shit, but okay I guess.  'Cept I have a killer headache, and my eyes are swollen from crying."

"Well, I'm going to get you more Tylenol and an ice pack for your eyes.  And then we're going to lie back down until at least eight o'clock, got it?"  Dean demanded.

"Sheesh.  You should Dom," Cas teased.  "Yes, sir!"

Dean blushed a little.  He knew full-well what Cas did, but hearing him use that phrase felt weird.  

"Just shut up and do what I say, Cas," Dean finally managed..

"Yes, sir," Cas repeated, suddenly realizing he was getting a reaction from Dean.  He wasn't quite sure what that reaction was, but it clearly made him uncomfortable and that just made him want to do it more.

Dean rolled his eyes and retreated for the Tylenol and an ice pack.

"Take these," he said as he handed Cas two white pills and a glass of water.  Cas did as he was told.  "Good.  Now lie back down.  Don't make me fight you again."  Dean positioned the ice pack over his eyes and forehead and then climbed back into bed.  "Be good and I'll make you my famous pizza eggs for breakfast."  
  
"Pizza eggs?  No offense, but that sounds disgusting," Cas grimaced.   
  
"I know, right?" Dean laughed.  "But my stoner buddy in college used to make them with leftover pizza and it's fucking delicious."  
  
Cas snorted.  "Only a stoner could come up with pizza eggs."  
  
Dean grinned.  "Rest now, Cas. I took the day off and I've got plans for us later."  
  
"Dean?  You didn't have to do that."  
  
"Shoosh."  Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and Cas was asleep within minutes.


	4. Chapter 4

  
"Where are we going?"  Cas asked, anxiously fiddling on the leather bench seat across from Dean.   
  
"We're going on a mini roadtrip," Dean said.  "You can nap if you want.  It'll be a while."  
  
"I ended up sleeping until ten, I think I'm awake," Cas laughed. "Will there be a lot of people there?  I don't know if I'm up to being social," he said apologetically.   
  
"Shouldn't be bad.  And you won't have to talk to anyone anyway."  
  
Cas nodded and leaned his head out his open window, letting the wind blow through his hair.  Dean watched him out of the corner of his eye and smiled.  Cas seemed to be doing pretty well today, all things considered.  Maybe this would all just blow over.   
  
As they drew closer to their destination, Cas began to notice their surroundings.  "I haven't been here in ages," he mused.  "I went to high school about fifteen miles from here.  We'd drive here on the weekends and hang out..."  
  
"I remember," Dean said, smiling softly.  He turned the car down a rural dirt road and followed it through a large wooded area.    _Thank you, GPS_ , Dean thought.  
  
"Are we going to the beach?" Cas asked excitedly.   
  
"Maybe," Dean shrugged.   
  
"Are we really?!"  Cas was practically bouncing in his seat.  "I haven't been here in so long!  This used to be my favorite place to relax.  I used to take a lounge chair and a book and read for hours sometimes."  
  
"I know," Dean grinned.  "You may have mentioned it a time or two."  
  
Dean pulled his vintage Impala into an unpaved parking lot and unlocked the trunk.  "One for you," he said, handing Cas a folding lounge chair.  He took the second chair out and leaned it against the car while he grabbed the beach umbrella and dug for the bag that had slid to the back of the trunk.    
  
"Here," Dean said, tossing Cas his sandals.  "Uh, hope you don't mind, I raided your bedroom.  I brought your swim trunks and the book that was on your nightstand too."  
  
Cas bit his lip and grinned.  "No, I don't mind!  This is awesome!"  They both toed off their shoes and switched to more appropriate footwear and Cas lead them to a small concrete bathroom to change.  Dean stepped out of his stall in his swim trunks and started slathering sunblock on everywhere he could reach.  "Could you do my back, Cas?" he tossed the bottle in his direction.   
  
"Um, yeah.  S...sure," Cas said nervously.  He picked up the lotion and smoothed it over Dean's back and shoulders.    
  
"Thanks.  Want me to do you?"  
  
Cas nodded and turned around and let Dean rub down his back and shoulders as he made a happy little squeaking noise.   
  
Dean laughed.  "Y'okay there, buddy?"  
  
"Sorry.  Felt nice," Cas blushed, as he applied the rest of his sunscreen.   
  
"Well. You know where the good spots are, so lead the way."    
  
It wasn't crowded, but Cas lead them halfway down the beach, away from most of the people and set up their chairs. Dean planted the umbrella in the sand to give them some shade, and they both flopped down to relax.   
  
Cas had stretched out on his chair, sighing happily.  "God, I love this.  Isn't it relaxing?  The waves, the ocean smell, the sun, that cool breeze?"  Dean wasn't usually a 'beach' kind of guy, but he had to admit he was feeling pretty damn comfortable.  Cas's good mood was infectious, and Dean was thankful for it. At that moment, it was as if yesterday had never happened.   
  
After a bit of luxuriating in the shade, Cas pulled Dean into the water for a swim.  "Dean, thank you for this," Cas said, swimming over to hug him.  "You have no idea how much I needed this today."  
  
Dean wrapped his arms around him for a minute, then swung him around until his feet lifted off the ground as Cas giggled and protested.  They fought and splashed in the water like kids for a bit until the sky began to darken.   
  
"Well Cas, I hate to say this, but we should probably head out soon.  Think we're gonna get some rain.  Plus, I think we should go for ice cream."    
  
Cas smiled.  "Yeah.  It's a long drive home.   We're definitely going to need ice cream to survive this trip."  
  
They packed their gear, dried off, and changed clothes, then sprinted to the car just as the rain started pouring down.   
  
Dean hummed along to a Bad Company cassette as he drove, glancing occasionally at Cas dozing in the passenger seat. He looked peaceful but exhausted.  Dean was trying to resist the temptation to wipe the smear of chocolate ice cream off the corner of his lip, but he didn't want to wake him, so he just hummed some more and drummed against the steering wheel.  
  
"We're home, Cas," Dean said, gently shaking him.   
  
"Hmm?  Oh.  Sorry, Dean. Did I really sleep the whole way home?  Shit."  
  
"Yeah," Dean laughed. "I wore you out today apparently.  C'mon, let's go in.  I'll start dinner."  
  
"I'm going to shower," Cas said.  "I feel like there's still sand everywhere."  
  
"'Kay.  Dinner will be a while anyway."  
  
Dean wasn't much of a cook, but he'd gotten used to sharing the chores with Cas around, and he had a small repertoire to work from.  He opened some canned tomatoes and set to work making spaghetti sauce, still in a good mood as he started cooking.  It had been a pretty good day, and he was relived that Cas seemed better than yesterday.  
  
So of course,  he was completely blindsided when he called Cas to dinner and found him lying in his bed, sniffling.   
  
"Cas?  What happened?"  
  
Cas wiped his eyes, quickly.  "N...Nothing.  I'm fine."  
  
"Cas..." Dean sighed, sitting down on the bed next to him.   
  
"I'm sorry Dean. I don't know what happened. I feel so bad, we had such a good day.  Really, it was amazing!  I just feel like shit all of a sudden.  I don't even know why.  What the hell is wrong with me?"  
  
Dean put an arm around him and pulled him in close.  "Nothing wrong with you.  You're allowed to feel like shit. But you still need to come have some dinner, okay?  Take a deep breath for me."  
  
Cas took a shuddering breath.  "Thanks Dean.  I'm not hungry though."  
  
"Cas..." Dean warned.  "Do I need to use my Dom voice?" he teased.   
  
Cas cracked a goofy smile. "Dean..." he laughed.   
  
"You will come out here now and eat the super-awesome spaghetti that Dean slaved over.  Do I make myself clear, Cas?"  Dean said in his sternest voice, but he couldn't help grinning.   
  
Cas had been trying to hold back, but he suddenly burst out laughing.   
  
"What, am I doing it wrong?"  
  
"Kinda.  And it just sounds funny coming from you," Cas grinned.   
  
Dean put on his best mock-hurt face. "You think I can't be dominant, Cas?"  
  
"Not if your life depended on it," Cas winked. "First, you should choose a pet name rather than using your sub's real name.  Just to put another barrier between fantasy and reality. And it's helpful if there's a consequence for not obeying." he laughed.   
  
Dean wrinkled his nose in thought.  "Baby, if you don't come out here now and eat dinner, I will take you over my knee and spank your bare ass, understood?"  he growled.  
  
Cas's mouth gaped open as he let out an involuntary whimper.  "Yes, sir," he squeaked.   
  
Dean grinned. "Not bad, huh?"  
  
Cas shook his head as if trying to clear his head. "Not bad at all...  _Fuck_."  
  
"C'mon," Dean smiled, dragging him into the dining room.   
  
  
They spent the rest of the night watching movies together with a tearful Cas tucked under Dean's arm for comfort.  Dean didn't even give him the option of sleeping alone, he just pulled Cas into his bed and wrapped his arms around him again.   
  
"Aw, Cas," he soothed.  "I know it sucks now, but you're gonna be alright.  I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

Cas awoke abruptly as Dean slipped out of bed, shivering at the sudden loss of heat and contact.

"Hey," Dean said softly.  "I've got to go to work.  Are you gonna be okay today?"

"Yeah, Dean.  I'll be fine.  You've gotta work.  I kinda wish I hadn't taken this week off.  Work would have kept my mind off things at least."

Dean nodded.  "Well keep yourself busy.  And make sure you eat something.  Don't make me kick your ass," he winked.

Cas snorted. "Yes, Dean."

"Text or call me if you need anything, okay?"

Cas nodded, and drifted back to sleep while Dean showered and got ready for work.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dean wiped his greasy hands on a shop rag and closed the hood of the Ford Taurus he was working on.  He picked up a clipboard and made some notes, then passed it off to the shop's office assistant.  "Taurus is done," he said, handing her the clipboard.  She nodded curtly, and began typing out a bill.

"Hey Bobby?  Just finished the Taurus.  I'm gonna take my break before starting on that Charger, okay?"  Dean yelled.

"Yeah go 'head kid," Bobby yelled from underneath the Chevy Cruze he was working on.  "Actually, as soon as the Charger's done, you can leave early if you want.  That's all we've got for today."

"Yeah, sure.  Thanks, Bobby."

Dean headed to the tiny breakroom in the back office and grabbed a Coke from the machine before slumping down into a chair.  He took a long drink as he pulled out his phone and flipped through his phonebook, then selected 'Cas'.

 _"Hello?"_ a sleepy voice answered.  
_"Cas?  Hey.  How are you doing?  You okay?"_  
_"Yeah. I'm fine, Dean,"_ Cas said unconvincingly.  He sounded like he'd been sniffling a lot.  
_"You sure?  Did you get something to eat?"_  
_"Not yet.  I will."_  
_"Cas, it's two in the afternoon.  Go eat something.  I left you a sandwich in the fridge.  Eat."_  
Cas sighed. _"Okay, I will."_  
_"Alright.  Well I'll be home early. Maybe an hour, hour and a half.  See you soon."_  
_"Okay.  Bye, Dean."_

Cas hung up the phone and sighed again.  He was still in bed, not because he was tired but because getting up seemed like a lot of work. He wasn't feeling sad, exactly.  Actually, he wasn't feeling much of anything.  He was just kind of numb.  He'd been thinking too much this afternoon, recounting all the things he must have done wrong.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized he was feeling a little pissy too.  There was a frustration at not having his needs met that day.  It had been way too long since he'd been with a partner and he had been looking forward to it so much that he felt extremely frustrated.  He almost felt like he wanted to find a decent Dom and do it again right now, just so he could bury the bad experience with a good one.  If only he knew a decent Dom...

Dean was doing everything in his power to satisfy his emotional needs, which was above and beyond anything he could have asked for. Still, subbing filled a need for him that he couldn't seem to fill elsewhere.

Regardless, Cas had to admit he was liking Dean's attention a little too much.  Snuggling on demand was kind of hard to resist. They had always been kind of touchy-feely, but never to this extent. It was making him a feel a little confused, but he wasn't about to complain.  _It's too bad Dean's not into it.  He'd probably be a great Dom... Wait, what the hell?_ Cas berated himself for the thought immediately.  Nevertheless, he spent a few minutes relishing the memory of Dean's growled 'threat' last night, and he shivered.

"Cas?"  Dean called as the front door closed behind him.  "Where are you?"

"Uh, in your room,"  he admitted.

The door swung open softly and Dean gave him a stern look.  "Tell me you got out of bed today."

"Not yet..."

"Cas... C'mon, man. You've gotta take care of yourself.  Did you ever eat?"

"No," Cas cringed.

Dean shook his head and sighed.  "Alright.  Come on.   I'm not gonna leave you alone until you eat, so you might as well come out."

Cas knew that was true, so he reluctantly rolled out of bed and followed Dean to the dining room.  "Sit," Dean commanded, pulling out a dining chair. He retreated to the kitchen and returned with a plate, which he sat in front of Cas.  "Didn't even appreciate my hard work this morning.  Chicken salad with almonds and cranberries on a motherfuckin'  _brioche_ , man."

Cas snorted.  "Well aren't you just fancy."

"Shut up and eat," Dean laughed. "And then, since you never got around to that shower last night, I'm going to run you a bath."

"No, don't do that.  I don't feel like a bath, Dean."

"Well too bad, buddy.  You smell like the damn ocean.  I'm taking care of you now, so eating, bathing, and sleeping are gonna happen whether you like it or not."

"I'll have a shower later," he protested.

"You're so damn stubborn," Dean complained.  "But so am I.  Finish eating.  I'm going to run your bath."

Cas rolled his eyes and pouted a bit, but he slowly managed to finish his sandwich before Dean whisked him off to the bathroom.

"Well.  Get in," Dean motioned, pointing to the tub.

"Is that lavender I smell?  And is that a bath pillow?" Cas eyed him curiously.

"What, a guy can't enjoy the occasional relaxing bath?  I don't need to prove my manliness to you, Cas!"  he teased. "It's just epsom salt and lavender... c'mon, didn't you say your dude used to bathe you?  Surely he gave you a nice relaxing place to soak!"

"Maybe..." Cas smiled. "Just didn't expect you to be a bath guy."

"Are you kidding?  Any time I have the house to myself I either jerk off or have a bath.  Both highly recommended for relaxation, by the way.  Now.  Get in."

Cas snorted.  "I love how you think you're all demanding and shit.  It's adorable."

"Yeah well, strangely enough, you still seem to obey me."

Cas sighed and shrugged. "My submissive nature I suppose."  He pulled his shirt up over his head and let his pants drop to the floor.  "Happy now?" he said, as he lowered himself into the bathtub.

"Almost.  Relax," Dean laughed. "Lie your head back on the pillow, close your eyes..."  Dean hit the dimmer switch and the bathroom darkened a little.  Cas did, but he still looked fairly uncomfortable.  "What did you Dom do to calm you when he put you in the bath?"

Cas laughed softly.  "Nothing you want to know about."

"During your relaxing time?" Dean exclaimed.

"No," Cas protested.  "It wasn't like that.  It was... comforting."

Dean squinted his eyes at him, deep in thought.  "I give up.  Now I need to know what he did."

"Well, he would wash my upper body and my hair and then... Uhh, nevermind it's embarrassing."

"You have to tell me now!" Dean laughed.  "Now I need to know!"

Cas flushed.  "He uh... used to hold me."

"What's embarrassing about that?"

Cas sighed.  "I mean he... used to  _hold_  me.  He would stroke my hair and then...gently fondle.  Not trying to get me off or anything, just kinda... holding.  It was comforting.  Sometimes he'd do it while we slept too," he shrugged, embarrassed.

"That's both weird and oddly adorable," Dean said, fascinated. "Well, lie back and get comfy.  Relax a bit and then I'll help you with your hair, okay?"

Cas laughed.  "I can manage."

"Yeah but you're relaxing now. Letting someone wash your hair is the most relaxing thing ever."

"Dean, it's weird enough that you're in here while I'm having a bath," Cas laughed.

"Because we've never seen each other naked in gym locker rooms and showers, and uh, just walking walking around the house naked on occasion?"  he asked sarcastically.

"True enough," Cas shrugged, handing him the shampoo bottle. "Go to it."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Dean?" Cas asked quietly as Dean climbed into bed behind him.

"Yeah?"  
  
"Is it weird that I have this overwhelming desire to just go and do this all over again?  How stupid is that?"  
  
"You mean like meet someone to um, sub for?"  
  
Cas nodded.  "Yeah... Part of me wants to forget about it by jumping right back in."  
  
"Well... that's good and bad I guess. I mean, good that you're thinking about moving on.  But bad because I don't think you're emotionally stable enough just yet. No offense."  
  
"No, you're totally right.  I'm not.  I'm kind of a hot mess. I'm just... frustrated, I guess."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Cas laughed.  "Sexually, physically, emotionally..."  
  
"Oh.  Right," Dean said. "Well you were really looking forward to this and it was a huge disappointment.  It's normal to feel like that."  
  
Cas sighed and rolled over to face him.  "Thanks for looking after me, Dean," he said softly.   
  
"Someone has to, since you're not doing it," Dean quipped.   
  
Cas grinned.  "Yeah, yeah.  But I mean it.  Thanks."  
  
Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him in close him to his chest. "You're welcome.  Get some sleep."    
  
Cas shivered as he felt a soft pair of lips brush his forehead. 


	6. Chapter 6

Dean's head was not in his work today. He was supposed to be replacing a serpentine belt on a Toyota Corolla but he found himself staring into space on more than one occasion.

He was thinking about what Cas had said the night before, about wanting to find a new Dom, and for some reason it made him anxious.  The thought of Cas putting himself back out there to get hurt again was too much to think about.  He'd only been taking care of Cas for a few days now, but he was starting to feel  _really fucking protective_  of him.

Cas was hanging in there, but he had his bad moments, and nighttime was always the worst.  The way he clung to Dean as they slept was both endearing and a bit heartbreaking.  Still, a tiny part of Dean was dreading when Cas would work through this, because he didn't want to have to stop cuddling and sleeping together. He had never slept so well in his life as he did when he was curled up to Cas. He just wished it wasn't messing with his head so much - he'd almost  _kissed_  him last night.  Thankfully he'd had the sense to stop himself, but not before he gave Cas a tiny peck on his forehead, which he hoped didn't seem too weird.  He really needed to get his shit together.

"How's the Corolla comin'?" Bobby yelled, suddenly rousing him from his thoughts.

"Uh, maybe another half hour?" Dean answered.

"She givin' you problems?  Usually you'd be done by now," Bobby said.

Dean shook his head.  "Nah.  Sorry, Bobby, I'm kinda slow today."

"Everything alright, kid?"

"Yeah.  Just worried about a friend, that's all.  My head isn't where it should be."

Bobby nodded.  "You've been in la-la-land all day.  Why don't you go home?  I can finish this up. Almost quittin' time anyway."

"Really?  Thanks, Bobby. I'll be on my game Monday, I promise."

"No worries.  Have a good weekend.  Coffee and doughnuts are on you, Monday," he smirked.

"You got it," Dean grinned.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Cas?"  Dean followed the sound of sobbing to Cas's bedroom.

"Oh!" Cas exclaimed as Dean opened the door.  "You're home early again."

Dean rushed to his side.  "What happened?" he said, rubbing his back as he lay down beside him.

Cas wiped his eyes.  "Nothing happened. I don't know. I felt like crying, so I did.  And then I couldn't stop," he squeaked.

"Alright.  Shhhhh.  Everything's okay," Dean said softly as he rubbed soothing little circles into Cas's back.  "Close your eyes and take a deep breath for me."  Cas did.  "Good.  Take a few more.  Just keep breathin'."  Cas took a few breaths, and finally managed to get his sobbing under control.  "That's it," Dean soothed.

"Sorry," Cas sighed.  "This is ridiculous."

"It happens.  If this depression sticks around more than two weeks though, we're going to the doctor, okay?"

Cas nodded.

"Now.  Why don't you get dressed and we'll go out to dinner tonight?"

"Dean, I don't feel like it."

"Which is precisely why you should do it. Remember last time this happened?  You became a hermit.  Come.  Just you and me, Cas.  You don't have to talk to anyone.  We can go to that Mexican restaurant you like.  And afterwards, we'll pick up some booze and have a quiet night in."

Cas took another deep breath and sat there contemplating for a minute.

"C'mon, Cas.  Stow your crap and come to dinner with me," Dean winked.

Cas smiled a little.  "Fine.  Let me get dressed."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After dinner and a few drinks, Cas was suddenly in a pretty good mood. He poured himself his fifth drink and slouched down next to Dean on the couch as they watched the baseball game on TV.

"You'd better slow down there, Cas," Dean laughed.  "Hittin' the drink a little hard tonight, aren't you?"

"Yeah.  But I feel pretty damn good, so I don't care," Cas grinned.

"Well at least eat somethin' while you're drinking," Dean insisted, shoving the plate of nachos toward him.  Cas just opened his mouth like a baby bird, and Dean laughed, shoving a chip in his mouth.  "I forgot what a happy drunk you are, Cas."

Cas shrugged.  "Might as well enjoy it while you can."

By the time Cas was on his eighth drink however, he had slowed down considerably.  "M'almost ready for bed, Dean," he slurred.  "You're coming to bed with me, right?"

"Of course, Cas.  You wanna go now?"

Cas nodded awkwardly.

Dean laughed.  "God, you're hammered," he said, shutting off the TV.  "Come on, let's get you to bed."  He threw an arm around Cas's waist to steady him and walked him to the bedroom.

"Want your pants off?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded again, and let Dean help him out of his jeans.  Dean did the same, and then gently pushed Cas down into bed before crossing the room to turn out the light.

"Deeean," Cas whined.

"I'm right here. Just turning out the light, geez," Dean laughed.  As soon as climbed into bed, Cas latched onto him, wrapping his arms and legs around him and yanking until Dean was on top of him.

"Woah, Cas," Dean laughed.  "You need to sleep it off, buddy."  He gently tried to untangle his limbs.   
  
"Don't go," Cas whined.  "Stay here."   
  
"Cas..." Dean's heart was pounding.  He could feel Cas's hard length pressed gently against his, and all he could think about was creating a little friction between the two of them.  He suddenly wanted to just grind his hips against him and kiss Cas silly into the mattress.    _Calm down, Dean_ , he admonished himself.   _Cas is drunk and an emotional wreck and that's is the worst possible thing you could do right now._   "I'm not going anywhere, Cas. Just... come on, lie next to me okay?"  Cas sighed but acquiesced and he snuggled into Dean's chest, letting him wrap his arms around him as usual.    
  
Dean was almost asleep when he felt a series of little nibbles at his collarbone.    
  
Yeah.  All of this snuggling was really messing with his head.


	7. Chapter 7

The next few days passed with Cas falling deeper into a depression.  His boss had okayed for him to take off a second week of work off, which was good since he was physically sick and sleeping a lot.  When he dropped the last time, he was able to contact his partner and discuss what had happened, which had at least helped him sort through some of the emotional aspect. Most of what triggered him then was simply due to a very inexperienced Dom, and Cas was able to forgive that. This time however, Cas didn't want anything to do with his former Dom, which was probably for the better.

Cas was spiraling further and Dean was trying harder to dig him out.  Back and shoulder rubs had become a new nightly ritual since Cas was tense and achy all the time. Dean was still there to make sure he ate every day and to force him out of bed and into a bath or shower when need be.  He slipped easily into the caretaker role.  He didn't care how physically and emotionally demanding it sometimes was; he just knew he'd do anything in the world to have Cas feeling like himself again.

Still, their new-found level of closeness was confusing as hell. What started out as platonic comforting was starting to feel more and more intimate.  Or at least it was to Dean.  Part of him felt awful for even  _thinking_  about wanting more when Cas was still healing.  He was supposed to be helping him cope, not falling in love with him.  He'd always  _loved_  Cas, but he was coming to the abrupt realization that he was head-over-heels, stupid in-love.

Sometimes he wondered what Cas thought of it all.

Dean sighed.  Who was he kidding?  He could never be what Cas needed. He could fill his emotional needs, sure. But he definitely couldn't be the all-encompassing friend-Dom-lover that Cas needed.

"Dean?"   Cas tapped his shoulder, and Dean jumped, dropping the pan he'd been washing.

"Shit!"

"Sorry," Cas grimaced.  "Didn't mean to scare you."

"S'okay.  What's up?"

"Can I uh... Can I talk to you for a minute?" Cas asked nervously.

"Of course," Dean frowned curiously.  He put an hand on Cas's shoulder and guided him into the living room.  "What's wrong?" he asked as Cas slid in on the couch next to him.

"I um.  I'm having a lot of feelings that I don't know how to deal with," Cas started nervously.

"Like...?" Dean asked.

"Like um... well remember the other day when I said I kind of wanted to just go find a new Dom and try to get this experience out of my head?"

"Yeah?"

"Well uh... so there's this other guy I've been talking to for months, and..."

"Oh Cas," Dean interrupted.  "Please don't tell me you're planning on meeting up with him now."

"I was kind of thinking about it..."

"Cas, please hold off.  You're not ready yet.  Wait until you're feeling better," Dean said.

Cas swallowed hard.  "I'm just so frustrated, Dean!  I need..."  he sighed.  "I need someone to control me.  I can't explain it, but... If I'm with a good Dom it makes me feel safe.  Letting go of control makes me feel more in control of my life somehow... I know, that doesn't make sense."

Dean sighed.  "Cas..."

"I know, Dean. It's totally fucked, but I need it. Not to mention, I'm sexually frustrated as hell which doesn't help.  I'd settle for some pity comfort sex at this point.  The  _need_  is eating at me."

Dean was trying to bite his tongue.  He was trying not to freak out and scare the poor guy, but he was  _pissed_.  "I don't think it's a good idea right now," he said again.  "You don't really know this guy either.  I mean, maybe if it was with your old Dom or someone you knew well. But for all you know this guy is just as bad, if not worse."

"I know, I just...I can't stop thinking about it... I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean's jaw clenched and his breath huffed through his nose.  He couldn't let Cas do this and risk getting hurt again when he wasn't well enough to begin with.

"There's um... there's one other thing I was thinking about," Cas said anxiously.

"What?" Dean grumbled.

"Would you um... would you want to try it?" Cas asked, cringing as he waited for Dean's response.

"Try what?  ...Wait.  You want me to be your Dom?"

Cas nodded apologetically. "Dean, no one takes care of me like you do!"

Dean stared at him, dumbfounded.  "Cas, I don't have it in me.  I'm not exactly the dominant type."

"You kind of are," Cas said.  "The way you force me to eat when I'm not eating and bathe when I'm too lazy to get out of bed... The way you make me leave the house when I'd rather be a hermit.  You're demanding in a good sort of way."

"But Cas, you're into... I couldn't hurt you, Cas," Dean fumbled.

"I'm not into anything  _that_  bad," Cas protested.  "So I like to be punished sometimes.  Besides, if I  _like_  it, doesn't that make it better?"

Dean shifted uncomfortably on the couch.  "I just... I don't know."

Cas placed one knee on either side of Dean's lap and brought his dark blue eyes to meet Dean's light green ones. "Please?" he whispered, his breath brushing across Dean's lips.  "You may not even  _have_  to punish me.  I could be so good for you, Dean," he whispered. 

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  He couldn't handle Cas being this close to his face with his ass practically resting in his lap.  He was just about to open his eyes when suddenly Cas's lips were on his, softly, tentatively pressing as his hands slipped gently to the sides of Dean's face.  Dean sat there in shock, completely unresponsive as his brain tried to process what was happening.    
  
Cas pulled back quickly with a slight look of horror on his face. "Oh god, what am I doing?  I'm sorry!"  He stood and abruptly dashed toward his bedroom. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me if I'm a little slower with the updates than usual. Fighting through a bad bout of depression atm, and it's sucking my creativity! I'll still be writing since this keeps me sane, but I may be a little slow from here on. We'll see.

"Cas?"  It took Dean's brain another second to catch up, but he bolted after him, reaching him just as he was about to close his bedroom door. "Cas!"  He muscled his way in.  Dean didn't really have a plan, so he went with his gut; he knotted his fist in the front of Cas's t-shirt, shoved him up against the wall, and kissed him as if his life depended on it.

Cas didn't even hesitate, he just launched himself into the kiss as best he could while wearing a sloppy grin.  "Dean!" he gasped as Dean pulled back.  He was wide-eyed and looked downright giddy.

"Been wanting to do that for a while now," Dean panted.

"Me too," Cas said breathlessly.  He wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and jumped to wrap his legs around him before pressing back for another kiss.  Dean laughed softly and grabbed under his legs to support him as he carried him to the bed.

"Cas..." Dean said as he pinned Cas's body beneath his own.  Cas wasted no time, immediately kissing and nipping at the side of Dean's neck, making him laugh softly.

"Slow down there, Dracula," Dean teased.  "We should uh.   We should talk."

"Talk later," Cas said quickly.  "Make out now." Cas ran his hands up the back of Dean's shirt, skimming the warm broad muscles of his back and shoulders.

Dean smiled. "Cas...  Talk first," he said, rolling off and lying on his side to look at him.

Cas sighed. "Fine.  I'm sorry, Dean. I've been so confused."

"About what?" Dean asked softly, pressing a soft kiss to Cas's forehead.

"About you and me.  You've been so wonderful to me and I know it's all just supposed to be helpful and comforting... and it  _is_.  But I..." he paused.  "I have  _feelings_  for you. I mean... I did even  _before_  all this.  But now I'm finding it harder and harder to pretend I don't."

Dean sat there for a minute, absorbing this new information.  He was having a hard time articulating what he wanted to say.

"God, Dean.  Don't look at me like that.  Say something," Cas pleaded.

"Cas, I love you."   _Shit_.  That wasn't exactly what he had planned on saying, but it came out anyway.

Cas eyed him suspiciously. "Dean?"

Dean sighed.  "Look, this has been confusing for me too. And if you weren't working through some heavy shit right now, I might have said something. I didn't want to make things  _more_  confusing."

"You love me?" Cas said, still looking dumbfounded.

Dean sighed.  "Yes. I do.  I think I always have."

"I love you too, Dean," he grinned.

"I just..." Dean paused, "I think we need to take this slow until you're feeling better. You don't need to be making big decisions when you're depressed.  If you end up regretting it later, I don't know what I'll do."

Cas huffed.  "I understand it, but I don't like it.  I could never regret anything with you, Dean."

"It's mutual," he smiled. "But if you feel the way that I feel about you... what's a few more days, huh?"

"Torture.  Pure fucking torture," Cas sighed.

Dean laughed.  "I know.  I think we can make out though... And maybe a little heavy petting would be okay..."

Cas grinned and leapt on top of him, "I can live with that."  Cas's wiggled his legs in between Dean's and he dipped forward to kiss him again.

All at once, Dean couldn't help but think of how comfortable and familiar the whole thing felt; the way they seemed to fit together so perfectly, the way their hands roamed as if they had every single inch of each other memorized. He let his tongue tenderly glide across the seam of Cas's lips and they parted, entangling their tongues in a gentle caress.

Cas's entire body was on fire, he was so overcome with emotion he thought he might cry, but he kept kissing, afraid if he stopped that this whole thing would be some crazy dream that he'd never get back. Everything felt like it was in slow motion, like he was so drunk on endorphins he could drown in them and still die happy. Dean's hands glided to the sides of his face, slowly working his fingertips into his dark hair as Cas cooed happily.

For a brief second, their gazes met and Dean was lost for a moment in those deep blue eyes.  They were shining brighter than he'd seen in weeks, but there was still a hint of vulnerability there that worried him.

Cas's breathing was shallow and deep and he was rubbing his hips gently against Dean's. "Dean," he whispered.  "Are you sure we can't...?"

Dean smiled.  "Not yet.  But soon, I promise."

Cas grunted as he continued grinding against him. "Want you, Dean," he whispered. "Want you inside me."

"Cas!" Dean gasped.  The friction at his groin wasn't helping him think straight.

Cas backed off of him for a minute and slid his pants off.  Then he turned to Dean and started unbuttoning his as well.

"What are you doin', Cas?"

"Just making us more comfortable," Cas said, as he stripped Dean's jeans off and tossed them across the room. He lay down on the bed and pulled Dean on top of him.   "Mmm... much better," he groaned as Dean's body pinned his to the bed and began rutting against him.

"You like that, huh?" Dean teased, holding Cas's eye contact as he thrust against him. He loved watching the little expressions on Cas's face as he looked up at him helplessly, eyes rolling back, mouth slightly parted - just watching him was enough to put Dean into sensory overload.

"Love you on top of me," Cas said breathlessly as Dean began nibbling at his neck. He wrapped his arms tightly around Dean's back, clinging desperately as his hips began bucking wildly against him.  "Dean, I'm gonna come," he rasped.

"Good," Dean smirked, as he suddenly pulled away.

"Deeeean!" Cas whimpered, "What...?"

Dean yanked Cas's boxers off and quickly replaced the friction with his mouth.

"Ohhh my god!" Cas moaned.

"Come for me, Cas," Dean purred before falling into a awkward rhythm of bobbing and sucking.

Cas clutched frantically at Dean's hair as he tried to hold himself back from thrusting.  "Ohhh fuck.  Deeeeean!" he yelled as his back arched.  His hips jerked forward, causing Dean to choke a bit as Cas's shuddering release spilled into his throat.  Dean swallowed, and continued gently suckling him in his mouth until the tremors stopped.

"Oh Dean," Cas sighed blissfully.  "Get up here," he said, tugging at his t-shirt.  Dean grinned and slid up alongside him, and Cas immediately began covering him in kisses.  "Love you, Dean."

"Love you too, Cas," Dean smiled.

Cas reached a hand inside his boxers and started stroking him as they kissed.  Almost immediately, Dean's body spasmed and he cried out while Cas kissed the happy noises from his mouth. He collapsed on top of Cas, panting hard.

After a few minutes of shy smiles, kisses, and face nuzzling, Dean finally rolled off of him.  "Well.  That was new," he panted, laughing.  
  
"And long overdue," Cas said, snuggling into his usual spot under Dean's shoulder. "Still think we should have done it though," he teased.   
  
Dean laughed and buried his nose in Cas's hair.  "Oh we  _will_.  We'll do  _all_  the things when your head's in a better place. I promise."    
  
"Always looking out for me," Cas shook his head.  "I don't know how I would have survived all of this without you," he sighed.  "Wait,  _all_  of the things?" he winked.   
  
"Well... we'll  _try_  them anyway.  I guess we should finally sit down and have that whole kink talk, huh?  You've spent years avoiding details for me.  Guess I might need to know a thing or two..."  
  
"Oh Dean.  You don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable.  Really."  
  
"Well I've never tried it, so I don't know.  So uh... tell me what you like."  
  
"Uh.  Okay," Cas cleared his throat nervously.  "So um, I like to be  _owned_. I like you to have complete control over me.  I can't do anything without your permission..."  Cas stopped.  "God, this feels weird talking about it with you."  
  
Dean was already blushing but he smiled softly.  "No, no.  Go on."  
  
"Um... he sat up, reached under his bed, and pulled out a duffel bag.  "So I uh.  I like to be leashed and collared," he said, dropping a black leather collar on Dean's chest.   
  
"Cas!  Okay, wasn't expecting that..." Dean laughed.   
  
"Shit.  You think  _that's_  bad?" he said with an amused glance.   
  
"No, no.  Continue."  
  
"Like to be forced to wear a plug..."  
  
"You mean...?"  
  
Cas grinned and pulled up a pink and blue butt plug from his bag. "Yup."  
  
"Cas!"  Dean partially covered his face in embarrassment.    
  
"Didn't know you were such a prude, Dean," Cas teased.  "C'mon, the plug is for  _your_  benefit.  So I can be ready for you to take me at a minute's notice."  
  
Dean made a whimpered sound of arousal.  "You know, maybe we should have saved this talk until we've had sex at least," he laughed nervously.  
  
"Too late now," Cas grinned.  "And um... if I screw up and speak out of turn or forget to call you 'sir', or otherwise misbehave, I should be spanked.  And don't hold back.  You can tie me up if you'd like or just take me over your knee, which I'm kind of partial to.  Hand or paddle is fine.  But I love praise when I've been good... And I kind of like when sex with you is the reward..."  
  
"Oh my god," Dean was flushing a lovely shade of crimson now.  "Is that it?"  
  
"I mean, generally.  But you know, blindfolds, anal beads, orgasm denial, cockwarming, whatever you can think of.  Sky's the limit.  If you decide to try it, we'll have the full-on discussion beforehand."  
  
"Cock what?"  
  
"Ah Dean.  So much to learn," Cas grinned.  He was rather enjoying Dean's giggling discomfort.  
  
"What the hell am I getting myself into, Cas?"  
  
"Me, if you play your cards right," Cas teased.  "But really.  If it makes you uncomfortable, we won't do it."  
  
"When we get to that point, I'll try it for you, Cas.  I can't guarantee you I'll be any good but..."  
  
"You'll be fine.  Most important for me is that you listen if I safeword - which is obviously not a problem with you, and to take care of me afterward - which you're kind of a pro at anyway." Cas stowed the duffel bag back under the bed and curled into Dean's shoulder again.    
  
"Thank you, Dean," he whispered.   
  
"I love you, you kinky bastard," Dean grinned. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quickie tease into the next chapter, since the next one is shaping up to be a bit long and this is the best place to split it I think... more soon.

Dean felt like a proud parent the day Cas went back to work.  After two weeks of practically being attached at the hip, he didn't know if he could function normally again.  He couldn't stand the thought of not checking in with him at lunchtime, and he really couldn't stand him not being there the second he got home.  It was silly, he knew, but he'd really grown accustomed to taking care of Cas.

"It's weird having you awake drinking coffee with me in the morning again," Dean observed with a yawn.

"Yeah.  It's kind of nice to be among the living," Cas said.  "I'm kind of excited, but not.  Today's gonna be hell.  I'm sure I have so much to catch up on."

"Well don't stress too much.  Just take it one thing at a time.  Make a list if you have to."

Cas nodded.  "Yeah I will.  So, do you want first shower?" he asked.

"Nah, go ahead," Dean motioned. "I'm gonna finish my coffee."

"Okay."  Cas trekked to the bathroom and flicked on the water.  He slipped out of his sleep clothes and stepped into the warm spray, rolling his neck from side to side as he let the water pour down his back and shoulders. He was actually looking forward to going back to work today.  He'd been feeling kind of helpless for the last few days, and he hoped it would make him feel useful again.    
  
Cas was deep in thought and he jumped as the shower door suddenly opened.

"Hey," a very naked Dean said shyly. "Can I join you?"

Cas grinned and nodded. "Please do."    
  
Dean slipped into the shower behind him and slid his hands around to Cas's stomach, burying his face in the crook of his neck. He pressed a few soft kisses there, then traveled down to his shoulder, sucking a few red welts into his skin.   Cas bit his lip happily and arched into him, leaning his head back into the warm shower spray.

"M'gonna miss you not being here when I get home from work," Dean said softly as he kissed his way up Cas's neck.

"I only work an hour later than you," Cas laughed. "But I expect to be smothered the minute I walk in the door."

"Deal."

Cas turned around and lazily wrapped his arms around Dean's neck.  "You know, I've been feeling pretty good the last few days..." he hinted, softly kissing at Dean's jawline.

"I've noticed..." Dean said quietly.  "Does that mean I can properly ravish you now?"

"Mmmhmm.  And you'd better soon..."  Cas pressed their wet bodies together tightly and Dean groaned in approval.

"If I didn't have to be to work in fifteen minutes..." Dean sighed.

"Alright, alright," Cas laughed, pulling back.  "Let me wash your hair."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Cas shuffled his papers around, sorting them into file folders.  It felt good to be productive again, even if he did miss lying in bed texting Dean half the day.    
  
"Welcome back, Professor Novak!" a student called out as Cas made his way to the staff lounge. "Thanks, Benny," he smiled politely and nodded.   _That kid is such a suck-up.  And what self-respecting adult calls themself 'Benny' anyway?_ Cas shook his head and flopped down into a chair with his lunchbag that Dean had insisted on packing for him.  The room was strangely empty today, but then again, Cas was taking a late lunch since he'd been busy grading papers all afternoon.   
  
He unwrapped the turkey and cheese on a homemade focaccia bun and moaned happily as he took a big bite.  Damn.  Dean knew his way around a sandwich.  He chewed thoughtfully, thinking about how he was both happy to be back, and yet dying to be home.   _Two more hours._ He crumpled the aluminum foil wrapping and tossed it back in his bag.  As he reached for the apple Dean had packed, his finger caught on something cold and metallic.  He tilted the bag forward to peek inside only to get a glimpse of his collar.   
  
Cas was glad he happened to be alone today because he was pretty sure he turned a deep shade of scarlet as he read the attached note:    
  
_When you return home, go to the bathroom and get undressed.  Put this on, then come to my bedroom so I can put your plug in.  Once the collar is on, you are to call me 'sir', and will not speak unless spoken to.  - xo_  
  
A soft whimper escaped him and he covered his mouth to hide his goofy grin.    
  
This was going to be a long two hours.


	10. Chapter 10

The drive home was a blur.  Cas was so eager and nervous he didn't remember most of the trip.   He grabbed his briefcase and trotted up the steps, nearly missing the top one in his excitement. The house was quiet as he walked in, but the table was set for dinner and something smelled absolutely delicious.

Cas quickly toed off his shoes, set his briefcase near the door and dashed to the bathroom. He stripped out of his clothes, then removed the collar from his jacket pocket, taking a good look at himself in the mirror as he fastened it around his neck.  He felt like an entirely different person today, and he couldn't help thinking it was mostly because of  _Dean_.  Dean, who had been his best friend for years.  Dean, who had taken care of him when he was broken.  Dean, who  _loved_  him.  Dean, who was about to do something slightly out of his comfort zone to make him happy. And finally, Dean, who was going to get  _so fucking lucky_  after this...

He took a deep breath, and walked down the hallway to Dean's bedroom and knocked.

"Come in."

Cas stepped into the room nervously, and Dean stepped forward to clip a leash to his collar.

"Look at you," Dean said softly as he stepped back to give Cas a good once-over.  "Beautiful.   Tell me your safeword, baby."

"New York."

Dean nodded and repeated, "New York."  He fisted the leash in his hand and yanked Cas in for a kiss. Cas tried to bite back a grin, but he couldn't help it. He was absolutely giddy.

"Well, dinner's ready, so I guess we should move this along. Hands and knees for me," Dean commanded.

"Yes, sir," Cas said obediently, dropping down onto the floor.

Dean knelt next to him and stroked a hand along his spine.  "Good boy.  Spread your legs a little.  Good.  Now baby, I'm going to put your plug in and you're going to wear it through dinner.  No complaints or I take you over my knee, understood?"

"Yes, sir," Cas said eagerly.  He still couldn't believe this was happening.

Dean opened a bottle of lube and slicked up his fingers. running a smear of it between Cas's cheeks. "Just gonna work you open a bit first," Dean said softly, as he slid a finger inside of him.  Cas whimpered loudly.  "You okay baby?"

"Yes sir.  I just... can't believe you're finally touching me like this.  Sir," Cas breathed.

Dean smiled.  "I'm going to touch you a lot of different ways from now on, baby.  I'm going to try another finger now, okay?"

Cas grunted and screwed his eyes shut as the next one slid in.  Dean paused for a moment for him to adjust, then rotated and scissored his fingers until he was fairly confident that Cas was ready.  He picked up the plug and slathered it in lube, then pressed it gently against the pink puckered flesh.  He watched in fascination as it easily sunk inside him until it had all disappeared except for the end.

"Good boy," Dean said, gently patting his left cheek. "C'mon, let's go have some dinner.  Stand up."  Cas stood immediately, and Dean tugged the leash, leading him to the dining room.

"Stay here for a second," he instructed, as he moved one of the dining chairs out of the way.  Cas stood there anxiously, suddenly very aware of his nakedness.  "Here we go," Dean said as he returned.  "Hands behind your back."

Cas did as he was told, and Dean wrapped a pair of restraints around his wrists. "Kneel," Dean commanded.  He turned to the kitchen and brought out two plates with homemade burgers and fries.  He set them both in front of his chair as he dressed the burgers.  "Hungry?" he asked.

"Yes, sir.  But how can I eat like this, sir?" Cas asked as he sat back on his heels.

"Oh, don't you worry about it, baby.  You know I'll take care of you," Dean said as he cut one of the burgers in half. He picked a piece up and raised it to Cas's lips.  Cas shot him an amused glance, as he took a bite.

"Good?" Dean asked.

"Very good, sir."

Dean took a bite of his own burger before offering another bite to Cas. Slowly, bite by bite, he fed Cas every bit of his burger and most of his fries, along with plenty of sips from a water bottle.  He delighted in making Cas lick and suck the excess ketchup off his fingers, which he did with utmost enthusiasm.

Cas sighed happily and rested his head on Dean's leg as he finished his dinner.

"Well, baby," Dean said as he patted his stomach.  "I think we should rest for a bit after that. Let's go into the living room.  I'm kind of in the mood for dinner and a show."  He stood and helped Cas to his feet, removed his wrist restraints, then lead him to the other room.

Once there, Dean quickly removed his pants and boxers and kicked them aside.  He sat on one end of the couch and gently pulled Cas's leash again.  "Lie down," he said softly.  "On your back.  Use my lap as a pillow if you want."

Cas obeyed.

"You look so beautiful like this, baby. Your cock all half-hard...  How does that plug feel?"

"Good, sir.  I like feeling full."

"Such a good boy," Dean mused as he stroked his hair.  " I want you to put on a little show for me. Show me how you get yourself off," he said in a breathy whisper.

"Y...yes, sir."

" _But_ , you'll stop when I tell you to, understand?"

Cas whimpered.  "Yes sir."  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then slipped a hand between his legs and slowly began stroking himself.    
  
"Eyes on me," Dean commanded. Cas looked up and focused on Dean's face, soft and smiling above him.  "That's it," Dean whispered soothingly as Cas began to elicit little whimpers from himself.  His back arched off the couch for a moment as he bit his lip and groaned.  The sight of him so open and vulnerable was almost too much, and Dean lazily stroked himself a few times to take the edge off.   
  
"S...sir?" Cas suddenly gasped desperately.   
  
"Oh shit.  Okay, that's enough.  Stop, stop," Dean commanded.  Cas stopped, but he was trembling. Dean felt bad that he had let him go a little longer than he had planned.  It was just so damn easy to get distracted...  
  
"You okay, baby?"  Dean asked, lightly stroking his hair.   
  
"Y...yes sir," Cas stuttered.  He looked slightly dazed.   
  
"Good.  Come here.  Kneel in front of me."    
  
Cas stood and immediately knelt in the spot between Dean's legs, staring straight ahead.  Dean watched him as he stroked himself a few more times.    
  
"Would you like to suck my cock, baby?" Dean asked softly.   
  
Cas nodded eagerly.  "Yes sir.  Very much, sir."  
  
"Mmm. Well that wasn't my plan, but you've been so good for me.  Go to it then," he said, gently guiding Cas's head down to his groin.   
  
All of Dean's control slipped away as Cas's lips wrapped around him. He let his head fall back as he groaned softly and sank further into the couch.  Cas was skilled with his mouth to begin with, but he also worked with such intense enthusiasm that Dean wondered how the hell they had managed to go this long without doing this.  
  
Cas was alternating sucking with long, torturous licks and the occasional squeeze and stroke from his fist while Dean was busy trying not to fall apart.  He had to pull his shit together if he was going to end this the way he wanted to.   
  
"O...okay, stop," Dean said reluctantly.  Cas pulled back with a slightly hurt look on his face.    
  
"Oh, you did amazing, baby. I just don't want to come yet," Dean assured him. "Turn around for me.  Let me see how pretty your plug looks."    
  
Cas turned around on his hands and knees, wiggling his butt slightly.  Dean grinned and gave him a firm tap on the rear.  "Don't get too cocky there."  Cas giggled.   
  
"Yeah, that looks pretty, but I think we should try something else in there..." Dean said nonchalantly.  Cas turned his head and shot him an eager, wide-eyed look.  "Yes..." Dean continued.  "Something harder.  Longer."  He knelt on the floor next to him and slowly worked out the plug.  Cas whined at the sudden loss of fullness.  "What do you think we should try in there, baby?"  
  
"Y...your cock, sir."  
  
"My cock?  I don't know...  Do you think you've been good enough?"  
  
"Y...yes sir."  
  
"Mmm, I suppose you're right.  You've been a perfect angel all night long.  I think you deserve a treat... "    He stood and pulled Cas over to the coffee table.  He positioned him on his stomach so that the table supported him up to his hips, then placed a couch pillow under his head.  He commended himself on making it look rather comfy. For Cas, anyway. Might be a little awkward for him but he didn't care.   
  
He stripped his t-shirt off, then grabbed his jeans from the floor, locating the lube that he had stuck in his pocket.    
  
"Now baby, I'm going to fuck you and you will not come without my permission, okay?"  
  
"Y...yes sir," Cas whimpered.   
  
"Good boy," Dean stroked a line from his neck all the way down to the cleft of his ass.  He straddled the table and lowered himself down, pressing himself against Cas's already slightly open and twitching hole, then he slowly, tortuously pushed in an inch at a time.  
  
Cas was already writhing underneath him in frustration.   
  
"What's wrong baby?"  
  
"Please, sir.  More."  
  
"Demanding, aren't we?  I'll give you more when I'm ready."    
  
Cas sighed and bucked his hips up, trying to push him in further.   
  
Dean immediately pulled out.  "What did I just say?"   
  
"S...sorry, sir. You said I'll get more when you're ready."  
  
"And what did you do?"  
  
"I tried to take more anyway."  
  
"Mmmhmm.  What should we do about that?" Dean asked as he rubbed his hand in small circles over Cas's rear.   
  
"I should be punished.  Sir," Cas said dejectedly. As much as he actually loved spankings, he also hated letting down his Dom.  
  
Dean placed a hand on his mid back and reeled back with the other to place a firm slap on his right cheek.   Cas gasped and sat there panting for a minute.   
  
"Now you've been good the rest of the night, so I'm still going to let you come," Dean said firmly.  "But don't let it happen again."  
  
"Yes sir," Cas said, perking up a bit.  
  
Dean straddled him again and shoved into him all at once.  Cas moaned loudly and closed his eyes as Dean immediately started thrusting.  He grabbed Cas's hips and pulled him up to meet his every thrust, driving himself in as deep as he could manage.   
  
Cas threw his head back, staring at Dean with a wild, dazed look in his eyes and Dean couldn't help but try to kiss that look right off his face.  He cried out as Dean pumped into him over and over again, giving himself over fully. His entire body tensed briefly then relaxed as he let go of all of the pain and stress of the last few weeks, letting it all wash away with the rising and falling of their bodies.   
  
"Good boy," Dean whispered.  He felt the change in Cas almost immediately, the way he melted into his touch; he could see the emotion in his eyes, the way he was mindlessly chanting 'thank you' in that ragged little whisper. He was alive and confident in his own skin again, and happier than Dean could ever remember, and that's all he had ever wanted for him.   
  
"S...sir?"  Cas suddenly choked.  "P...Please."  
  
"Mmmhmm.  Come for me, baby,"  Dean said tenderly as he reached around to stroke him.  "Come, sweetheart."  
  
Cas trembled as the familiar heat suddenly pooled in his stomach and shot through his groin as his body clenched and spasmed all at once.  He let loose a little yelp and arched his back as he began to come, and Dean pressed his body tightly against his and rode him hard the rest of the way, until he quickly joined him in a loud, mutual release.  They lay there a few minutes, trying to catch their breath.   
  
"You okay, baby?" Dean finally asked, kissing a trail up his shoulder.   
  
"Yes, sir," Cas squeaked breathlessly.    
  
Dean pulled away, smoothing his hand over Cas's back in a comforting gesture.  "You did so good for me today," he said softly.  "I think we should stop playing and go snuggle.  What do you think?"  
  
"Y...yes sir," Cas panted.   
  
"Good.  Cas?" Dean asked tentatively as he unhooked the leash from his collar.   
  
Cas blinked hard a few times, and sat back on his knees, looking disoriented.    
  
"Cas?  Stay right here, I'm just going to grab us some water, okay?"  
  
Cas nodded, still looking vaguely confused.    
  
Dean dashed to the kitchen and grabbed a box from the fridge and two bottles of water, and returned quickly.   
  
He set everything on the coffee table and knelt in front of him, cupping his face in his hands.  "Cas?  C'mon. We're done playing. I'm just Dean now.  Come back to me, Cas."    
  
Cas gently shook his head and wiped a hand over his face, then took a deep breath.  "Dean..."    
  
"Yeah," Dean smiled shyly. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm..."  he paused for a second, "fucking  _fantastic_.  Dean, how did you...?"  
  
Dean blushed.  "Let's talk about that in a bit.  Let me take care of you now.  Drink," he commanded pushing a water bottle to Cas's lips.  Cas smiled and guzzled half the bottle before handing it back.    
  
Dean reached over to unhook the collar from his neck.  "C'mon.  Let's get you in bed.  You're freezing," he said, offering Cas his hand. Dean grabbed the box and the water and they stumbled off to the bedroom. He pulled back the blankets and motioned for Cas to get in, then climbed in as well. He pulled Cas to his chest and wrapped his arms around him in the comfortable, familiar way they usually slept.   
  
"Was it okay?" he asked, softly kissing his forehead. "I know it probably wasn't that intense, I just..."  
  
"Mmmhmm," Cas mumbled blissfully. "You were  _amazing_.  Dean, how?"  
  
Dean took a deep breath.  "Well since that night you came home, I've been kinda reading up.  But I also got some pointers..."  
  
"From who?"  
  
"From, um, your dude in California."  
  
"You called Michael?" Cas asked, dumbfounded.    
  
Dean nodded sheepishly.  "I hope that's okay.  I didn't have anyone I trusted asking... So I kind of asked someone who apparently knew what he was doing.  He was really great about it."  
  
Cas smiled.  "I still can't believe you did all of this for me, Dean," he said, kissing his chin.  "How did  _you_  feel about all of it?  Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm okay.  I was scared shitless at first though," he laughed.  "But fuck, Cas!  You're somethin' else. Watching you get into scene was hot as hell."  
  
 "I get really into it sometimes," Cas blushed.  "it's both good and bad... Sometimes it takes me a while to come back from."  He paused.   I've never had anyone feed me like that.  That was strangely arousing.  Like,  _way_  more than I thought it would be."    
  
"God that was so hot!" Dean exclaimed. "That was my idea, but I didn't think I'd be getting off on it.  But making you suck my fingers...  _damn_."  
  
Cas giggled and raised Dean's hand to his mouth, sucking on his index finger.   
  
"Don't get me started," Dean grinned.   
  
"Or else what?" Cas chided, slowly licking his way up his middle finger.  
  
"Or else I'll have to take you again right here, right now.   Or, well... in a few minutes," he grimaced as he looked down at his spent cock.   
  
Cas burst out laughing.  "Yeah.  I'm exhausted."    
  
Dean reached over for Cas's bottle of water and handed it to him.  "Drink," he commanded. "You're finally warming up at least."  He took all of the pillows and propped them up against the headboard, then pulled Cas up next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.  Cas snuggled in happily.  "Oh.  I almost forgot," Dean said, handing Cas the box from the nightstand.    
  
"What's this?" he asked, opening it curiously.   He suddenly laughed, wrinkling his nose and grinning at Dean.  "You're too cute," he sighed.   
  
"I know," Dean teased.  "Can I?"  
  
Cas nodded.   
  
Dean picked up a chocolate-covered strawberry from the box and pressed it to his lips.  Cas smiled and bit into it, wiping his face with the back of his wrist as juice ran down his chin.   "Dean?" he said suddenly.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Everything. Really.  Thank you," he said softly.   
  
"Anytime, baby," Dean winked. "You tired?"  
  
Cas nodded sleepily.   
  
"Let's get some rest then."    
  
"Okay.  But first thing in the morning, I'm taking care of  _you,"_ Cas said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.   
  
"What?"  
  
"You know what I mean.  I'm going to take care of you in every possible way, and you're just going to lie there and take it," Cas said as he leaned in and tugged on Dean's bottom lip with his teeth.   
  
"Mmm, if you insist," Dean mumbled as he shoved forward for a long, passionate kiss.  "You're wonderful," he whispered as he pulled away.  "You were so amazing tonight, Cas."  
  
"You're pretty wonderful yourself," Cas whispered, curling up to Dean's chest in his usual sleeping position.   
  
Dean slid a hand down between Cas's legs and cupped him gently, making him giggle. "Best Dom  _ever_ ," he whispered.   
  
Dean smiled and nuzzled his hair.  "I love you, Cas."  
  
"I love you too, Dean"


End file.
